The Wonderous Adventures of TULK
by edwardogal
Summary: Chapter 3 is now up!!!! Please review!!!!
1. A near escape

On a parallel universe far far away...  
  
  
  
COMES THE WONDEROUS ADVENTURES OF  
  
  
----  
TULK  
----  
  
~~~ Episode 1 - A near escape ~~~  
  
## Gate Room ##  
  
* A parallel SG-1 return home after yet another successful mission against impossible odds *  
  
Jack: Hay officer butt-babe! Have you seen Tulk?  
  
Sam: Why no I haven't, I wonder where he could be?   
  
* She puts her finger on her mouth, goes cross eyed and leans forwards slightly *  
  
* Suddenly a crack of lightning flies through the gate; someone switches on a smoke machine and TULK, our hero leaps through the gate with two Jaffa in his hands *  
  
TULK: I will crush you, crush you to gooooooo!!!!  
  
* He slams there heads together and cleanly tosses them over his back *  
  
Janet: *enters and grabs TULK's arm* Oh TULK, I was getting worried. Where have you been?  
  
* Hammond, Mr. Gate Operator and the rest of SG-1 all pull on their ears to listen *  
  
TULK: Sorry about the delay, but I had to save a young forest deer from an out of control WWII Panzer, that had been captured by a colony of Sioux who were transported to that planet during an ancient ritual that went wrong. It seemed they were trying to hurry the course of precipitation but ended up opening a crevice in the ground as they incorrectly pronounced the word "bullocks". They then fell, and as they hit a surface of liquid hot "magma", they were charismatically beamed by a process of inverse algebraic tree diagrams to a planet far from home.  
  
Janet: Well, as long as you're OK deer. Come back to my office later so I can check you are in.... ship-shape condition.  
  
* TULK's eyes light up. Could this be because of an evil presence, or is it because of his excitement for Janet's company. Stay tuned to find out! * 


	2. The clot thickens

Somewhere between Seogwipo and Sapporo...  
  
  
  
COMES THE WONDROUS ADVENTURES OF  
  
  
----  
TULK  
----  
  
~~~ Episode 2.6 recurring- The clot thickens ~~~  
  
## Infirmary ##  
  
*TULK enters*  
  
Janet: You came! *Her eyes light up*  
  
TULK: Yes. But only to declare the truth! *He wisks off her mask to reveal...  
  
MAGGIE FROM SLIDERS!!! *  
  
Maggie: Aggggh! How did you know?  
  
TULK: When I saw you lead a team of skilled fighting women and myself against Hathor who was controlling all of the men (don't know ze ep), I knew that could be no ordinary doctor. There was something about you, a twinkle in your eye that let me know that you were really a soldier.   
  
Maggie: But why did it take you so long? That episode was screened years ago!  
  
TULK: Hay, it's only just happened in this parallel universe.  
  
* Maggie throws a chair at TULK who easily cached it and breaks it in two *  
  
TULK: Blood for the blood God!!!! *He punches Maggie in the head. She falls to the floor dead, or even worse, knocked out. *  
  
*TULK'S eyes flash, could that war cry mean something sinister about him. Could TULK really be evil, like, his Lava.....  
  
  
  
  
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farted in the baby lava birdbath thing? Moments later, the rest of SG-1 entered. *  
  
Jack: For crying out loud TULK why did you go and kill..... OMG it's Maggie from sliders! Can I have you autogra....  
  
Sam: she's dead Jack. *Daniel faints at the sight of blood*  
  
West: Well good job TULK, I never suspected a thing. If it wasn't for you, she'd still be wearing a mask and carrying out insignificant medical duties.  
  
Jack: Yer, I guess you did OK today. I always did wonder why she was amazed when I used "for crying out loud" as a gesture meaning that someone has done something stupid at one given important time.  
  
TULK: I believe she was from another parallel universe. One where time is ahead, where SG-1 have completed more successful missions: one where Jack says the gesture noted in the above paragraph a lot less in future episodes.  
  
Daniel: *begins to stir from the floor* We have to find the link to how she got to this world.  
  
West: Make it your top priority.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Is TULK really possessed and is serving the Chaos Blood-God Khorne?  
  
Is TULK's lava really that crude?  
  
Will they ever find that inter-universe mirror thing?  
  
And why is West still in Command?  
  
STAY TUNED FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!!! 


	3. The case of the missing episode

Somewhere in the known Gamma Quadrant...  
  
  
  
COMES THE WONDROUS ADVENTURES OF  
  
  
----  
TULK  
----  
  
~~~ Episode 4 - The case of the missing episode ~~~  
  
## Meeting Room##  
  
Hammond: I've called you all here for a very important meeting.   
  
*He tries to frown his forehead yet there seems to be no wrinkles at all!*  
  
Hammond: As you may have noticed time has suddenly accelerated.  
  
* SG-1 shrugs. Jack appears to have a beard down to his knee. Sam has long hair too. Though TULK is still bald along with Hammond and strangely enough, Daniel's hair has turned shorter into a more stylish look for the new millennium *  
  
Sam: whee....av...o.....loo.....in..o... this! *she can barely speak through her bungle of hair!*  
  
Jack: Well, out of personal experience I have to say, this has been a miracle *runs his hand through his new thick, curly hair.*   
  
TULK: *looks none the wiser* Indeed!  
  
Sam: wee....av........to locattttt.....ar....tim.......perio.......an.....hopfu.....rever......s.......effec.....  
  
Hammond: All in favour?  
  
Daniel: Aye  
  
TULK: Yes  
  
Hammond: Then, let's get started Captain.  
  
TULK: *frowns*  
  
Sam: Wew...por....a..star...we..shu......ARRGHHH!!!!  
  
*The lights dim and a thudding noise is heard *  
  
* Power returns but to the Star's surprise, Zoe wasn't found lying in front of Jack... *  
  
*Sam was dead!!!!*  
  
Daniel: *feels around a bit* It appears she has had a heart attack. But how could this have happened?  
  
TULK: I know exactly how this has happened. *he rips Jack's hair off in one swift stroke*  
  
Linea Agrrrrr! How did you know?  
  
  
TULK: It was quite simple: Jack would never have thick, curly hair. Not in one million of your earth years. And of course, only a true woman would be able to speak through her silly hair!  
  
Hammond: Well done TULK. Guard, escort her to a detaining cell. If you'd excuse me, I'd have to be going..  
  
TULK: Not so fast tubby!  
  
: 0  
  
*He makes a dash for the door but is quickly blocked off by the 200-lb beast!*  
  
Hammond: TULK! I order you to stand down!  
  
TULK: Ha ha ha! Khorne shall be nourished with your blood! *he brings his arm up*  
  
*Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click,*  
  
Hammond: I TOLD YOU to stand down.  
  
* TULK lifts his arm down as there appears to be a somewhat large arsenal aiming at various bodily organs in TULK's person*  
  
Hammond: Go back to your quarters TULK. *guess what? His eyes flash *  
  
##TULK's quarters##  
  
* Our star is doing that strange meditation thing . Suddenly it all fits into place. All the men seem to be obeying the general; Sam, a woman dies....*  
  
HATHOR!!!  
  
*Yet again, myself, the writer brings her into the plot. But what about Daniel Jackson, I didn't notice any strange behaviour from him. Is he immune??? Also, who is the host of Hathor???*  
  
TULK: It is time to make my move! *with a quick reverse punch he knocks down the reinforced steel door*  
  
*While dodging bullets he picks up Daniel and heads for the control room*  
  
*Yes, the reciprocal solar flair was right on time. The co-ordinates were in. Soon they would be back in their own time stream*  
  
*The ex-champion of the first prime poker tournament takes a bullet in the leg, but this does not slow him down. They are now on their way to the gate room*   
  
Hathor/Hammond: Not so fast, TULK.  
  
*TULK's eyes pop out and Daniel cries*  
  
TULK: General! You are Hathor?  
  
Hathor/Hammond: Yes I am. I know, this 'oribble flabby body don't look to good with my metal bra and thong. But if it wasn't for you, that loverrrrrly Janet would still be around.  
  
TULK: Damn! I should of recognised that cosmetic surgery on your forehead. But how did you know we would try and escape?  
  
Daniel: Ha ha ha!!!!!!! You never suspected meeeeeeeeeee you twit!!!!  
  
TULK: AAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH *he throws the naughty little man at a semi-naked general and scores a strike*  
  
* With a hop skip and a jump, TULK is home free through the Stargate *  
  
##Gate Room - Present day##  
  
Sam: Oh my gosh!  
  
Daniel: This can't be right.  
  
TULK: indeed.  
  
TULK FROM THE FUTURE: nooooooooooooooo!!!!  
  
Jack: Wooooooo! Hell yeeeer!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
How will the two TULKs merge back together?  
  
Will the answer be in the new Austin Power's film, as there is now an Austin from ten minutes from now as well as the original?  
  
What about all the other unanswered questions from the last chapter?  
  
And why is Jack so happy about an extra TULK??? :(  
  
  
Keep informed of the next interesting incarpment of  
  
"THE WONDROUS ADVENTURES OF TULK" 


End file.
